WIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSON!!! By: Noah Pietro Gugliotta

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I woke up this morning to Twitter people going off on Mr. Tom Wilson. I am going to stay calm. My mom told me to take a walk in the backyard to blow off some steam and eliminate the crippling anxiety brought on by Tom Wilson’s jerky behavior. I am listening to Raspberry Beret by Prince as I type this. Oh wait, fade out and the next song is Into the Great Wide Open by Tom Petty. 

Ok now for the Evil Doer named Thomas Wilson. Ok, I want every person reading this to think about how much they would take from Wilson’s pockets. In the end, I will reveal how much the NHL took from this maniac. 

Now for Wilson’s gutless actions. Remember when Randy Moss fake mooned in a game and Joe Buck uttered one of the greatest quotes in sports history. “That is a disgusting act by Randy Moss…” Tom Wilson has officially entered the chat. 

He did a Face First Edge O-Matic and sucker-punched Pavel Buchnevich while he was down on the ice. He beat 

Artemi Panarin wanted to go for a little piggy-back ride. Tom Wilson acted like a child and beat the crap out of the leader and spokesman of Panera Bread. My brother Christian works for Panera and understands the brevity of the situation. My brother is working as I type this and a follow-up on how Panera is handling the news of Panarin being out for the rest of the year is coming and I have heard they are devastated. 

This is on you, Wilson. I am just very frustrated but it was nice to see the overwhelming majority of fans give Wilson a Nugee for his abhorrent behavior. Funny reaction from Ryan Whitney mocking crying fans wanting Wilson suspended. I mean this was hilarious but if Wilson shouldn’t be suspended, fined, and thrown in The Metropolitan Correctional Center I don’t know what to say. By the way of course I am joking about throwing him in jail. If it were to happen though… I’m joking I swear.

Ridiculous take from a smart enough guy. There are plenty of situations where players have done something too far. The reason I am saying this is because the NHL so far has only fined Wilson $5,000. 

Here is what I will do. I’m going to reach into the archives and pull out all the stops to get a definitive answer on the mishandlings by the NHL. Give me time as I grieve. Jacob Trouba, Ryan Lindgren, and Artemi Panarin all will miss the end of this season. Panarin literally fought and defeated Vladimir Putin. He will be back with a vengeance and ready to strike down the capitals and teach Wilson a lesson. 

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